Christmas in July

 There are only two things that will survive a world-scorching nuclear apocalypse – cockroaches and Candace Cameron Christmas movies on the Hallmark Channel. 

Tis the season for Christmas in July. Summer is in full swing, but for some people it’s never too early to start the holiday season snowball rolling. The Hallmark Channel’s marketing geniuses have come up with a campaign to show holiday movies during the hottest month of the year. Viewers are flocking to watch them, my wife included. Every time I sit on the sofa hoping for some remote-control channel-surfing, there’s a Christmas movie on the screen. I admit I can’t tell the difference between “Moonlight & Mistletoe” and “Christmas Under Wraps”. On this particularly steamy summer night, my wife cleverly kept the TV remote out of my reach.

As Candace (Full House’s D.J. Tanner) Cameron was explaining to a perfectly groomed ranch hand about how she was going to miss Christmas because she can’t make it home through the blizzard, I decided to try some subliminal psychological warfare to win the television back.

Didn’t you already see this movie?” I asked my wife.

That was last year. And I never saw the end,” my wife said.

Because the story was so bad?” I asked innocently.

No,” she said. “Because I was listening to you complain throughout the entire last hour of the movie.” Hmmm. Maybe she had a point.

It’s no ‘A Boyfriend for Christmas’,” I said. (Hey, we all have our guilty pleasures.)

If I see one more Hallmark Channel holiday movie about someone who is secretly the son of Santa Claus, I’m gonna toss my Christmas cookies. I don’t need this kind of entertainment in July. Maybe I can work out a compromise. I hear the Lifetime Channel is showing “I Married My Babysitter” and my new favorite – “Psycho Stripper”. 

The early holiday trend continued when I heard some Christmas tunes on the radio. Some local auto dealers were playing holiday music while promoting Christmas in July sales at their dealerships. Oh what fun it is to buy a one-horse open sleigh – complete with sunroof.

Even the virtual world of my computer wasn’t safe from early holiday advertising. Amazon.com decided to promote their Christmas in July sale complete with prices lower than Black Friday. I admit, I looked to see if there were any incredible deals I couldn’t pass by. I didn’t really see any Christmas miracles as far as sale prices were concerned. 

As the temperatures soared on the weekend, I went to the store to buy my grandkids a plastic turtle-shaped kiddee pool to keep them cool during the latest heatwave. I thought mid-July would be peak selling time for summer merchandise. I was too late. Back-to-school merchandise had already taken over the seasonal aisles in three stores I visited. No kiddee pools to be had anywhere. My grandchildren stood in the backyard disappointedly staring at last year’s rotating plastic sprinkler attached to the garden hose. The dog seemed to like it more than the kid’s did.

I’m not ready to rush the end of summer. I waited all year for 100 degree temperatures to get here. Let me languish in the dog days of summer for a bit before the reindeer games begin. Then again, those starfish on the beach are beginning to remind me of star-shaped tree toppers. Maybe it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas after all.

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